Grief and Celebration.....

Today we grieve....the life and death of our daughter, Bailey.

Today we grieve....her suffering.

Today we grieve....our suffering, and the suffering of so many who hurt with us, and for us.

Today we grieve....two years of missing her.

Today we grieve....living in a fallen world.

Praise God it doesn't end there!!!!!

Today we celebrate....that Bailey is healed, and will never hurt again.

Today we celebrate....that Bailey is in the arms of Jesus.

Today we celebrate....the gift of community, and the body of Christ.  It is beautiful how so many continue to surround us, and be God's hands and feet. 

Today we celebrate....that God has been, and continues to be present.

Today we celebrate....Jesus' promise, that he is coming back soon. 

Prayer

I came across this prayer that Matt had written last year.  As we approach the two year marker of Bailey being in Heaven, I am finding I need to read this on a continual basis.  This has been such a gift for my grieving heart.

Faithful Father,

We come to you today with sorrow and gratitude, with joy and with pain.  We thank you for the gift of Bailey's life, and we thank you for the gift of her death.  Help us to resist the impulse to try to resolve this paradox.

Thank you for answering our desperate cries and for rescuing our beautiful daughter.  Thank you that she is free and no longer suffers.  Thank you for reminding us even as we grieve the loss of witnessing her first steps, first words, and first day of school, that she has experienced other beautiful firsts.  Thank you for the image of her experiencing the first glimpse of your face and entering your perfect embrace.

Thank you for your faithfulness.  We now know by experience what we have always believed by faith. You are our hope, our rescuer, our protector, our provider, and our peace.  You are enough in all things and at all times.  Thank you for your unspeakable sacrifice so that death does not win.  Father help us to remember and be comforted by your constancy.  Give us peace in knowing that you will give us the "daily bread" of grace and hope that we need for today.  Thank you for your promise, that you will bring that same grace, and hope tomorrow.

Thank you for the gift of family and friends who are willing to journey along side us and enter into the pain and messiness of life.  Thank you for giving them patience and understanding.  

Father we beg that you would keep us from being consumed by the trivial and the temporary and instead would continue to give us glimpses of life as you meant it to be lived.  We long that you would use Bailey's life and her story to do beautiful things.
                                                               
Amen!

living in the hallways

i know a man who has two sons.
Both of his sons are married, and both their wives became pregnant in the same year.  Out of the two pregnancies, ONE ENDED IN A MISCARRIAGE, THE OTHER IN A HEALTHY BABY BOY. 

And so twice in that year this man I know went to the same hospital, walked down the same hallways with his same family members. 

The first time to grieve and mourn, the second time to rejoice and celebrate.

WE LIVE IN THE HALLWAYS, DON'T WE?" 
excerpt from Rob Bell's, Drops like stars.

Living in the hallway!

We can't "just celebrate" today, we must grieve, but we also can't "just grieve" because we have so much to celebrate. 

Happy Birthday Bailey and Alexis - you are so sacred and special!!

today....

 Today our beautiful daughter has been in heaven as long as she was here with us.   I had planned to write more, but I'm just not able too.  We love you, and we miss you Bailey.  So glad you are free.

Thank you to my sisters who captured some of these beautiful pictures at Bailey's one-year memorial. 

joining

I have learned many things from my children, when I have been willing to listen and have a teachable spirit.  They see the world so clearly - it's not clouded by past hurts, bioses, etc - there hearts are pure and beautiful, and they are willing to take emotional risks.   My daughter McKenzie has taught me, and reminded me on several occasions about the importance and beauty of "joining." 

A few short months after Bailey had died, the kids and I were watching her video.  I was crying so McKenzie came over and just sat beside me.  Without saying a word, she reached over and placed her hand over my heart, and pressed firmly.  After a few moments of silence she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Mommy, I'm just going to hold your heart so it doesn't hurt so bad."  I was speechless - my five year old understood that nothing - no actions or words - could fix this kind of hurt,  she knew that sometimes the best thing is to simply offer our presence.  She "joined" me in the pain of that moment, and in her joining me she opened herself up to feel my pain, and also acknowledge her own.  It was beautiful.

"Joining" can be risky business.  It opens you up, you become vulnerable.   

This past week some very dear friends of ours, watched their mother die.  In "joining" them it was painful.  I hated knowing that they watched someone they loved die.  In entering their pain, I also had to acknowledge my own.  -- I hated watching our daughter slowly die. I hated watching my husband carry her broken body out to the hurst knowing that I would never hold her, feel her, or smell her body again this side of eternity. -- These friends fully entered into our pain, holding our hearts and acknowledging the pain of living in a fallen world.  They could have easily chosen to not "join" us, but we are so grateful they didn't.  Because they were willing to feel our pain they lessened it by letting us know we were not alone.  They also blessed us greatly when they allowed us to "join" them in their pain and grieve for them and with them.

So sometimes joining hurts, it really hurts; but it also carries the potential for tremendous blessings.   I think of so many who "joined" us in our walk with Bailey.  If they would have protected themselves and not allowed themselves to really enter into our story they would have missed out on knowing one of the most beautiful treasures, Bailey Hope.  She was truly beautiful and reflected God in a way I had never seen or experienced.   

I can't imagine how empty  life would be if I didn't allow myself to "join" others, and if others didn't ask or allow us to "join" them.  We would have missed out on so much. 

When we are willing to live life with others and "join" them and allow them to "join" us, we experience true community, and I believe in those moments we get a glimpse of Heaven. 

Thank you McKenzie for the beautiful picture of "joining."   Thank you Ben and Jaren for allowing us, and entrusting us to "join" you, we love you and grieve for you.  Finally, thank you to our family and friends, and even strangers  who were courageous enough to "join" us when we needed you most.  We are  truly grateful.