seven sparrows

today....

2012-02-06T08:10:00.000-08:00

Today our beautiful daughter has been in heaven as long as she was here with us. I had planned to write more, but I'm just not able too. We love you, and we miss you Bailey. So glad you are free.

Thank you to my sisters who captured some of these beautiful pictures at Bailey's one-year memorial.

joining

2012-01-18T06:40:00.000-08:00

I have learned many things from my children, when I have been willing to listen and have a teachable spirit. They see the world so clearly - it's not clouded by past hurts, bioses, etc - there hearts are pure and beautiful, and they are willing to take emotional risks. My daughter McKenzie has taught me, and reminded me on several occasions about the importance and beauty of "joining."

A few short months after Bailey had died, the kids and I were watching her video. I was crying so McKenzie came over and just sat beside me. Without saying a word, she reached over and placed her hand over my heart, and pressed firmly. After a few moments of silence she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Mommy, I'm just going to hold your heart so it doesn't hurt so bad." I was speechless - my five year old understood that nothing - no actions or words - could fix this kind of hurt, she knew that sometimes the best thing is to simply offer our presence. She "joined" me in the pain of that moment, and in her joining me she opened herself up to feel my pain, and also acknowledge her own. It was beautiful.

"Joining" can be risky business. It opens you up, you become vulnerable.

This past week some very dear friends of ours, watched their mother die. In "joining" them it was painful. I hated knowing that they watched someone they loved die. In entering their pain, I also had to acknowledge my own.  -- I hated watching our daughter slowly die. I hated watching my husband carry her broken body out to the hurst knowing that I would never hold her, feel her, or smell her body again this side of eternity. -- These friends fully entered into our pain, holding our hearts and acknowledging the pain of living in a fallen world.  They could have easily chosen to not "join" us, but we are so grateful they didn't. Because they were willing to feel our pain they lessened it by letting us know we were not alone. They also blessed us greatly when they allowed us to "join" them in their pain and grieve for them and with them.

So sometimes joining hurts, it really hurts; but it also carries the potential for tremendous blessings.   I think of so many who "joined" us in our walk with Bailey. If they would have protected themselves and not allowed themselves to really enter into our story they would have missed out on knowing one of the most beautiful treasures, Bailey Hope. She was truly beautiful and reflected God in a way I had never seen or experienced.

I can't imagine how empty life would be if I didn't allow myself to "join" others, and if others didn't ask or allow us to "join" them. We would have missed out on so much.

When we are willing to live life with others and "join" them and allow them to "join" us, we experience true community, and I believe in those moments we get a glimpse of Heaven.

Thank you McKenzie for the beautiful picture of "joining."   Thank you Ben and Jaren for allowing us, and entrusting us to "join" you, we love you and grieve for you. Finally, thank you to our family and friends, and even strangers who were courageous enough to "join" us when we needed you most. We are truly grateful.

Bottle of Tears

2011-10-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

I have, and continue to be amazed by God's love for us. I was especially feeling God's overwhelming love on Monday.

For no particular reason it was a very difficult grieving day for me, but I'm learning that's just the nature of grief - it comes when it comes, without warning, with overwhelming strength.

Later that day, a dear friend sent me an email of a blog entry that she had read earlier that made her think of me. (Coincidence - I think not!) I was so grateful for these words, they were truly a gift from God and came on the most perfect day.

My Bottle of Tears by Kristi Huseby (http://brokenandredeemed-kristi.blogspot.com/)

I confess I’m a crier. I cry at movies, at baseball games when the National Anthem is played, at graduations, weddings, funerals. I cry when I hear a sad story, when someone else cries, when I share what God has done in my life, when I’m angry and when I laugh hard enough.

I hate the fact that I cry so easily. It can be incredibly embarrassing for one thing. And for another, it puts people in an awkward position. But crying can be a good thing!

God created tears. It is in His design that we cry.

I love the Psalms! Because they give us beautiful pictures of what our intimate relationship with God is like. And Psalm 57:8 (NLV) gives us one of those snapshots of God’s tenderness with us when we are experiencing incredible sorrow in our life.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

(Yes, I’m sure I have a very BIG bottle!)

God not only keeps track of all our sorrows, hurts and heartaches – He has recorded them in His book and every tear we’ve cried He has stored in our bottle, the one He keeps just for us.

I wonder, does my bottle have my name on it? Is it a special color? Does God, my Father look at my bottle full of tears and say? “Aaah, that one is my daughter Kristi’s. See her bottle of tears, they are so precious to me, I treasure each one. I am intimately acquainted with all her ways and I love her. When she has cried tears that no one sees, I have seen, I know and cherish each one because I cherish her.”

What a beautiful gentle picture this is of our God! - a Father who tenderly collects our tears and holds them close to His heart.

Have you ever stopped to consider that God is keeping track of all your sorrows? That He knows each one of them. He has seen you cry until you can’t cry any more. He has witnessed your heartache over a difficult child, a wayward spouse, a broken friendship, or the death of a loved one. He has seen your tears when you have cried all alone in the dark, not sure of where to turn or where to go. He has recorded each one in His book and collected your tears in the bottle He has just for you. How precious you are to Him!

So let the tears flow and know that your God cares for you intimately and with great passion!

Thank You God for loving me just as I am, IMPERFECT.

Firsts

2011-08-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

As a parent you dream about all kinds of firsts. First smiles, first words, first steps, first birthdays, and first days of school. A few days ago, I came across Bailey's baby book, and I was confronted once again with the harsh reality of all the firsts we never had, or ever will have with our precious daughter.
Through my tears, I was reflecting on this past year of firsts. The kind you pray that you will never experience. The first birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and family photos without your precious loved one present. After lots of tears (and believe me there were a lot) I called my best friend. First he just listened and then he said, "Heather, our beautiful daughter is the first to experience pure joy, she is the first to sit at Jesus' feet, she has experienced the best kind of firsts." I was so grateful for Matt's words, they brought me such comfort, and a much needed perspective.
We have lived through a lot of our firsts without Bailey, and while we desperately miss her presence, her sweet coos, and delicate curls. We praise God daily that he rescued our beautiful daughter from her suffering.
We miss you Bailey, and we can't wait to experience "firsts" with you in Heaven.

selfless sacrifice

2011-05-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

i can't help but think of the selfless sacrifice both of our mom's have made for us the past three years. they have denied thier own plans and dreams to be readily available for Matt and I, and our children. so thank you to my mothers who have given up so much for us, and have been such an example of a mothers love. you are both so appreciated and loved beyond words. happy mothers day!

Easter

2011-04-24T17:51:00.000-07:00

This Easter has been such a powerful reminder of our helplessness and inadequacy in contrast to His power and sufficiency.

As Heather and I talked this week, and grieved for others in our community who have experienced unimaginable loss, we were reminded of the incredible faithfulness of God in our lives. Heather remarked that it is impossible to talk about our daughter Bailey without talking about our God.

In a beautiful book by Nancy Guthrie Called Holding on to Hope she describes genuine worship as "the words that flow from our lips and the works that flow out of our lives...to glorify God and honor him for who he is and what he has done."

Father we desire to lift up Your name as high as we can for as long as we live.
"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."

2 years...

2011-02-20T10:53:00.000-08:00

Taking in today....crossing lines between joy and grief.

we remember sweet Bailey Hope.
oh how we miss your beautiful eyes...
they said more than words could even begin to speak.
your sweet sugary cheeks...snuggling you in your favorite
fuzzy blankets and listening to songs that put you to sleep.
you are missed sweet child...by so many..you are missed.

we celebrate you Alexis Joy.
you turn 2 today. you bring such joy to everyone
who spends time with you. your infectious smile and contagious
giggles remind us that in the midst of devastation, God is near.
that He remains steady...bringing your precious family joy alongside
grief.

we love you.
we remain sitting with you...crossing lines with you.

Season of Pause

2010-12-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

Our experience with the life and death of our daughter Bailey has not ended. It does not sit tied up in a nice, neat, and easily understood package. We are not who we were, nor are we who we will be. Heather and I continue to "sit" in a place of allowing and longing to be changed by this experience. We are acutely aware of our desperate need for God. There is an intermingled sense of profound sadness and of genuine worship for Jehovah Shammah (ever present one) in our hearts and in our home. We are taking an intentional season of pause with the hope that we will emerge healthy and whole, both as individuals and as a family. It is our prayer that this wound will heal into a scar that is a visible and visceral reminder of His faithfulness.

Bailey's Journey

2010-09-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

Sharing some of our most precious moments with our daughter...

oh, how we miss her so. We cling only to the hope of heaven,

that we will one day hold our sweet Bailey again.

A few technical notes...

before you watch it,
go to the bottom of our blog
and 'pause' the playlist.

if you watch it full screen,
it will be very pixelated because
we had to downsize it to fit the blog size.

Thank you

2010-08-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

We want to say thank you to the countless family members, friends, co-workers and even those we do not know for the incredible love and support they have given. So many individuals and families have given selflessly in such beautiful and unique ways. We have been blessed. Thank you.

services

2010-08-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

viewing

monday
august 16, 2010

6:00 - 8:00 p.m.

throop funeral homes

214 church street

coopersville, mi 49404

directions to throop funeral homes

service

tuesday
august 17, 2010

11:00 a.m.

coopersville reformed church
423 w. randall st.
coopersville, mi 49404

directions to coopersville reformed church

more information here

From our arms to his.

2010-08-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

Our sweet Bailey is finally free. Today is the first day she will not have to struggle or experience pain. For that we are so grateful.

Heaven Stands

2010-08-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

Today was an extremely difficult day for us. Bailey hasn't eaten for about 20 days and our hospice nurse shared that Bailey's lungs are completely full of fluid. While we know she is dying it's beyond difficult to watch it and hear it, day in and day out. As I sat there holding our beautiful daughter and crying, the song, "Your Hands" came to my mind.

.....when my world is shaking.....Heaven stands.
.....when my heart is breaking.....I never leave your hands.

Gods hands literally shook my world two weeks ago. It was the Thursday night after Bailey stopped eating, she had a very difficult day and we felt as though God was going to take her home. That night their was the most incredible thunder storm. I laid on our living room floor holding Bailey's hand, watching the lightning bolts streak across the sky, and feeling the thunder shake our house. God clearly reminded me of how GREAT and powerful He is. Heather, I command the earth, I am bigger than death, I win.

What a comfort to know that when our world is shaking, heaven stands. When our hearts are breaking, we never leave his hands.

We contiue to wait

2010-07-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

Bailey stopped eating 10 days ago and her lungs are again filling with fluid. The hospice nurses who visit daily feel that it is only a matter of days. She is comfortable most of the time with the help of several medications each hour. As McKenzie sobbed last night she said, "Daddy my heart hurts." This succinctly expresses how Heather and I feel. Although we are worn out with waiting and do not understand why Bailey continues to be in this place we trust in the ONE who does know why. We depend on him daily. Hourly. Each moment. Please continue to pray for Bailey's comfort in the waiting, pray for our strength and for our children to have a supernatural sense of understanding and peace.

please pray.

2010-07-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

hospice has come to the house every day this week to check on bailey.

they have increased her pain medications significantly.

yet, each day, she seems to grow more and more uncomfortable.

her digestive system is starting to slowly shut down...

she is unable to take any more food into her little body.

her kidneys are also starting to fail.

please pray that in these last hours/days

that bailey will be free.

free from pain.

free from the constraints of breathing machines and oxygen.

free to be able to eat chocolate cake and blueberries...

like mckenzie so wants her sister to do.

we continue to pray angels of protection around the mekkes home...

that matt, heather, bailey, alexis, mckenzie and carter

sense His Presence.

our

Prince of Peace,

our Comforter and King.

mekkes meals

2010-07-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

take them a meal

just a brief update...

danae set up this site for

all of us.

this will make it easier to sign up for meals.

thank you for your continued care for this precious family.

rollercoaster

2010-07-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

The days, weeks, and months continue to go by, not quickly but they pass none the less. Each week carries new struggles and difficulties for us and Bailey. Bailey seems to have new complications and issues each week, adding to the complexity of our ultimate goal, which is for her to be comfortable. Bailey’s body is slowly wearing down and she dies a little more every day. Each high that she experiences is not quite as high and each low is much lower and more painful. There are not adequate words to describe what this rollercoaster of anticipatory grieving is like.

Psalm 119:81 “I am worn out waiting for your rescue, but I have put my hope in your word.” We are exhausted and grieved while we wait for Bailey to be free from pain. Please continue to pray for our family as we trust and we wait.

...as we wait upon the Lord

2010-06-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Everlasting God by Chris Tomlin

Where are you God?

2010-05-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I was up with Bailey for several hours in the middle of the night. While I sat their holding her in the dark and watching her cry in pain and struggling to breath I found myself getting angry and asking God where he was in all this. I felt like God immediately revealed to me all the ways he has been, is, and will be present. Heather I am in every meal, every phone call, every card, every comment on the blog, every person who has donated their time and expertise to work on the house, every prayer, every gas card. I am also in the pain medications which keep Bailey comfortable, I am in every family member and close friend who has put their life on hold to live life with you during this difficult time. I am in every breath that you take, every dark moment, and every tear that you cry. I am with you always. The most beautiful part is that Matt and I truly feel it.

Our beauiful Bailey is slowly dying in our arms. Her kidneys and other major organs are not functioning well. She is increasingly lethargic, continues to accumulate fluid and her heart rate fluxuates widely. It seems like her time is nearing. It will be both too soon and not soon enough. We trust and we wait.

meals

2010-05-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

it has been another exhaustingly, rough week.

bailey continues to be in more pain.

they have increased her morphine to an hourly dose,

and have changed her feeding schedule to an all day drip...

this seems to allow bailey's digestive system to not

have to work as hard.

she is starting to retain fluids again-

so, medications are changing again to try and make her

more comfortable.

her breathing is very labored as well.

there really are no adequate words

that could depict the exhaustion that

each member of the family is feeling at this time.

it's time to start up meals again...

we would like to start the schedule may 10-

{which happens to be matt's birthday *wink}

if you are able to

make a meal

please email danae gee.

{geedanae@gmail.com}

thank you for your

time and energy-

your gift is more than a fantastic meal,

you are giving them time...

so thank you in advance for the gift of time.

**also, a special thank you to those who

sent gas cards...

matt and heather have been so grateful for all that you have given.

each of you is making a difference-with your

time, talents and treasures-

thank you for allowing them to touch

this precious family.

How are you? ........ How is Bailey?

2010-03-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

Two simple questions but the answer is anything but simple. Against all the odds we are still able to hold our precious Bailey. While we cherish every moment we have with her, it is indescribeably painful to have watched her suffer for the last year. Matt and I long for the day when Bailey will be free from all pain, but we also grieve knowing that the day she is free, the day she dances with Jesus (what her big sister McKenzie says) ...is the day that we will no longer see her face, hold her, bathe her, watch McKenzie, Carter, and Lexi love on her and kiss her.

So you ask.....how are you? I am breathing. I love what my husband wrote the day after we found out about Bailey's diagnosis, "God is good, not in a cliche way but in a way that allows you to take the next breath."

How is Bailey? she is struggling to breathe. We are still signed on with Hospice and continue to use several different pain medications as well as oxygen to keep her as comfortable as possible.

We continue to be amazed at the out-pouring of love we have recieved from so many people, and in so many ways. Thank - you is truly inadequate.

another wave...

2010-03-19T15:41:00.000-07:00

i wish i could put words to what matt, heather and their

family are experiencing at this time. i wouldn't even be able

to begin...this moment sits in an entire universe that moves

so differently than most of ours.

the lines of grief run strikingly famliar each day,

each day holds something entirely different for bailey.

that is why many of these updates are simple...

meant to express matt & heather's love and gratitude

for each of you, and to keep you up-to-date

on their current needs.

thank you for your prayers and support for

this precious family.

you have been a continuous blessing-

bringing meals, cards, gifts, and interceding

through prayer...

thank you for listening to what God has been laying on your heart.

please know that there is no pressure

for you to do anything...we know God will

provide and He will use each of us

at different times and in different ways in this journey.

{also, matt and heather would ask for nothing if they could...

these requests/ideas are coming from friends}

if you are able to help,

here are some needs for their family right now.

1. gas cards - heather's sisters and mom have been traveling-and will continue to travel back and forth from lake city to coopersville each week. each trip costs about $20.00. our thought is to send matt and heather gas cards in the amount of $20...that way, each time a sister, or mom comes to help out, they are able to send them home with a gas card to cover their trip.

2. meals - danae continues to sign people up for meals. each meal is extremely helpful and greatly appreciated. if you are looking to prepare a gluten-free meal for their family...check out the blog...i have included some links that have easy recipes to follow!

simple gluten-free pasta

sweet-potato-casserole

baked pesto chicken

gluten-free pasta broccoli alfredo

**if you are interested in sending a gift card to a restaurant...

here is a gluten-free restaurant guide - gluten-free guide to eating out

3. gluten-free meals - we would like to get heather more of the prepared gluten-free meals. if you have interest in helping out on this front, please contact me...jaren

thank you again for being His hands and feet.

Update

2010-03-15T05:43:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. Bailey is breathing better, but continues to be in constant pain when not heavily medicated. While we do not know what the future holds for her, we continue to wait and trust in our Father's perfect timing.

thank you for your prayers...

2010-03-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

i know many of you are checking for updates to see how everyone is holding up.

matt and heather feel your love, support and your many, many prayers that you offer

on their behalf...they are so grateful for each of you.

each meal that has been brought, card/email sent, phone call made, post on their blog...

has also meant so much to them.

there really isn't a new update at this time...just a note from matt and heather to thank each of you who take moments out of your day, and allow time to stop, while you lift them up.

please feel free to call and leave a message on their home phone. you will probably get their answering machine...but, your voice reminds them that they are not alone in this time of grief.

if you need an address - please feel free to email me and i will get their information to you.

greenappledesign@comcast.net

also, danae gee, is handling meals right now. if you would like to have a meal sent out, or would like to bring one yourself...you can contact danae at - geedanae@gmail.com.

thank you for being His hands and feet,

jaren

bailey

2010-03-02T19:57:00.000-08:00

it is with an extremely heavy and broken heart

that i begin this entry...

sunday morning, matt and heather took bailey in to the hospital.

she had a lot of congestion and was having

a difficult time breathing.

the doctors diagnosed her with pneumonia.

they kept her overnight and started her on oxygen

and breathing treatments.

she was able to go home monday afternoon.

bailey's sweet little body has not been able

to rally through this one.

the doctors have told matt and heather

that she has days, not weeks left to be with them.

they have called hospice in to help with bailey's medications.

she is still on oxygen at home.

matt and heather are asking that we pray for bailey

to remain comfortable and pain free in these last days.

also, please keep their other children in your prayers

as they struggle to understand.

matt and heather,

we are broken for you.

we love you

and are sitting shiva with you.

2010-02-23T12:32:00.000-08:00

2010-02-15T06:56:00.000-08:00

friday

2010-02-04T19:34:00.000-08:00

tomorrow

it will be a huge day for us.

we take bailey to be fitted for a special car seat

and wheel chair...tomorrow.

such a painful reality.

one that has been lingering in our minds for quite some time.

and - we begin-tomorrow.

we ask for your prayers as this will be our

first physical step in this direction.

we will also be meeting with our pediatric neurologist.

she will go over bailey's mri in detail with us.

though we are prepared for what she will tell us,

the words are never easy to hear.

our appointment is at 2:15.

we have felt your prayers before, during and after

other difficult appointments...and we both comment that you all must be praying.

it is that clear.

thank you for praying on our behalf.

we have a handful of requests for bailey.

1. that we can get her seizures under control

{she has about 5-6 seizures a day}

2. that we can also get her into some sleep patterns

{bailey sleeps a total of 9-11 hours in a 24 hour period}

3. that our specialists would be able to manage our daughter's pain,

sleep & seizures with the correct medications and dosages.

{she is currently on 9 meds}

Almost One.

2010-01-29T12:26:00.001-08:00

The girls are almost one! As it always does, it seems like both an eternity and an instant since they were born. Alexis continues to be a smiley and happy baby. She is crawling, crusing, and has a vocabulary consisting of one very important word, "Dada." Yes mothers I know its unfair. There is just something about the bond between a father and a daughter or.... maybe its just easier to say.

Bailey has had both an EEG and an MRI in the past few weeks. The EEG was the result of her seizures increasing in both frequency and duration. We continue to try new medications in an attempt to find the right balance to control her epilepsy without resulting in other adverse side effects.

The MRI was completed as she approaches one year of age to allow a comparison of the images with the initial images that were taken shortly after birth. Unfortunately the MRI did not offer any signs of positive development. So we continue to live life and love our brave and strong little Bailey AKA Bo (Alexis is Lu). We pray and long for her to be comfortable and at peace.

Thank you for your Presence, Plates and a Perfect Package

2009-12-22T07:14:00.000-08:00

We are continually reminded of Gods promise of enough as we receive little reminders of his care through those around us. Thank you to the friend who brought over a stack of plates knowing that sometimes you just need to break something. Thank you to the thoughtful family for a package of incredibly soft stuffed animals that unexpectedly arrived on a perfect day distracting the older kids. Thank you to a special friend who gets it for the presence and prayer.

Bailey is Doing Better!

2009-12-22T07:12:00.000-08:00

Last week all of our kids, like most of the rest of the world, got upper respiratory infections. With the additional mucus Bailey ended up aspirating and was running a high fever. As a result of the fever she had prolonged seizures for a few days. We are happy to report that after a few rough days she is doing better. She is on an antibiotic and we are doing breathing treatments twice a day with a nebulizer.

we remember....

2009-12-18T11:37:00.000-08:00

On December 9th, 2004 our dear friends Ben and Jaren Nash lost their precious first born son, Jack Benjamin Nash. Two days after this indescribably painful loss we sat with them in their living room listening to them share their story. They told us they could choose to become bitter or better, and they said they choose better. We have watched them live this out. Thank you for being so real and authentic, and demonstrating that in the most difficult of circumstances we can become better. We love you, we cry for you, and we remember.

Giving Thanks

2009-11-24T12:44:00.000-08:00

It's been much to long since our last post. The last month and a half has definately had it's challenges. Bailey continues to have seizures, and still show many signs of discomfort and pain, she is also still struggling with sleep which means Matt and I are as well. Life has seemed incredibly difficult and dark for me personally, but I was reminded today just how blessed Matt and I are to have such amazing family and friends who continue to support us in this difficult journey. I am giving thanks for all of you, thank you for caring and loving us through this.

I pray that you will have a meaningful time of giving thanks for the many blessings in your life over Thanksgiving. We will try to post some more specific updates on how we are after Thanksgiving.

I choose.....BEAUTIFUL!!

2009-10-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not the best communicator but none the less i wanted to share with you what God has been teaching me through my children and especially Bailey during the past weeks.
... On september 14th Bailey had her pediatric opthamology appointment. During our visit the doctor performed a series of tests on Bailey in order to determine how much her vision was affected by her brain injury. Unfortunately Bailey's vision has been greatly affected and she is considered legally blind. Although this wasn't a huge suprise to Matt and I, there is still intense sorrow that goes along with this news. I have felt discouraged, hopeless, angry, and sad that my precious Bailey may never see our faces, or smiles. Bailey will probably never taste ice cream, or eat strawberries, she may never be able to tell me how she is feeling, sing "Jesus loves me," or say "MOM," she will most likely never walk, ride a bike, or dance around with her brother and sisters. However, in the midst of this grief Bailey is giving me a new perspective and is showing me what beautiful really is.
...There are a number of moments throughout my day when it is easy to become frustrated. For instance when Carter and Mckenzie track in mud for the third time that day, or when they spill their spaghetti on the floor, or voice their strong will/opinions (which are typically different from mine) in very loud and passionate ways. Because of Bailey I realize there is beauty in these moments. Carter and McKenzie are able to play in the mud, they are able to eat orally, they can eat things like spaghetti, or ice cream, or strawberries. They are also able to talk and reason and express their opinions. As frustrating as these moments as a mother can be, I would give anything for Bailey to be able to do these things.
...Thank you Bailey for teaching me to see the beauty in things, and for helping me to become a better Mom! You are truly BEAUTIFUL!!

drops like stars...

2009-09-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

*i wrote this entry in my own blog a couple of weeks ago and asked

heather if i could post it here...thank you for your authentic selves. -ben & jaren

i have been profoundly impacted by my dear friend,

heather and her story.

her life. her authentic self.

she and her husband have 4 children under the age of 4.

one of her twin daughters suffered significant brain damage at birth.

life has significantly changed in their home.

i was able to sit across from her this morning at panera

and listen to new parts of her story.

not pretty parts.

indescribably difficult, painful parts.

the kind of parts where

the words that start to describe it

can do nothing else but take your

breath away.

as i listened and grieved these new parts with her...in my mind i wanted

to insulate her...protect her from feeling any more of this ache. and it

hit me that if that was even possible, it would keep her from experiencing

some of the most intimate moments that she has had with her Savior.

i saw the most beautiful in her.

she, in the midst of her sorrow was shining.

{and not the kind that is trying to be -optimistic, positive--blah!}

it was a true shining all the way through.

it permeated her.

and i realized it was because i was seeing the Most High.

i saw that He was meeting her where she was at...and she was letting Him.

i saw the genuine and the real alongside

seeing the most painful parts that she and her husband are now walking through.

i guess that is why i am up writing this at 4:00 in the morning.

i couldn't sleep-not without doing something

about my experience today...i couldn't let it go unnoted.

she lent me this book...drops like stars by rob bell. she mentioned that it was like a coffee table-kind-of-book and it would take no less than 30 minutes to read.

as soon as i got home, i opened it and read it.

i couldn't put it down. i gave it to ben and he said the same thing.

we could relate to it on so many different

levels.

it is the most accurate to placing words and

experiences to suffering and loss that i have ever come across.

if you are finding yourself in a place of suffering, or know someone else who is..this book may be a great gift for

you or someone you care about.

Development: Hers and Ours

2009-08-24T09:38:00.001-07:00

Bailey had a six month neurodevelopmental appointment last week. Although we always long to hear good news the reality is that these appointments confirm what we already know in our heads but struggle to accept in our hearts.

Bailey continues to be on a developmental trajectory that will leave her severely and multiply impaired. In addition to an ongoing lack of head growth, she is beginning to exhibit many of the postural and tonal abnormalities that are typical for children with cerebral palsy. These patterns include increasing hypertonicity or tightness through her arms and legs and hypotonicity or low muscle tone in her trunk. She also is demonstrating clonus (a spasmodic alternation of contraction and relaxation of the muscles) that results in her ankles bouncing in a jerking motion. She is also "stuck" in many of the primitive reflex patterns that are typical for infants but then must become integrated to allow development of consciously controlled movement. As a result she continues to be unable to perform purposeful motor movements. She also continues to be unable to smile or verbally interact in an intentional way. The development of additional saliva as she begins to cut teeth has resulting in increasing difficulty for Bailey in managing her secretions. She often gags and chokes on the saliva and we have begun to use a suction machine to assist her with clearing her airway when needed.

Some of the positive developments include the addition of a new medication that along with the use of a feeding pump significantly improves her comfort with feedings. This also has helped her with sleeping and even occasionally napping during the day. Overall, in the past two weeks for the first time, she has had more comfortable days than days when she was in pain. This has been a tremendous blessing.

I personally often (certainly not always) feel a deep sense of peace in this time. In part this is because the tyranny of the immediate prevents too much deep reflection. But even more than that, it is the acute and daily reminder that this situation is so clearly beyond us. There is no illusion that we can control this situation. It just is. As a result it is easier to live in the present moment without fear of the future. Thank you all for your ongoing care and concern.
Sincerely,
The Mekkes

Canvas

2009-07-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

Heather and I recently watched a message in which Louie Giglio states that, “God paints on a canvas that is larger than what we can see. Through a key hole the cross looks like a horrible mistake. Like God has lost control. But in stepping back and looking at the larger picture it is the most beautiful part of the story!”

This is such a beautiful and powerful visual picture. Although it sometimes feels like that door is locked and we are only left with the “keyhole” view, it is our prayer that the door would continue to be pushed open at least a crack. One way that we continue to gain a glimpse of the larger story is through the thoughtful words and support that we continue to receive from friends, family and even strangers. Thanks to so many of you for your willingness to enter into the messiness of life with us!

A quick prayer request. Bailey will have an upper GI tomorrow morning at 9:45 in which they place a scope through her esophagus, stomach and the opening to her small intestine to check for structural abnormalities that may be contributing to her pain with tube feedings. In preparation she will not be able to eat after going to bed tonight. Those of you with young children know how challenging a hungry infant can be so please remember her (and us). Also that we may know better how to make her comfortable during feedings.

if you would like to help...

2009-07-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

there are 3 areas that we are going to concentrate on:

1. matt and heather's 9th anniversary is this tuesday!

* a phone call *a card *dropping off some flowers

*i can find out what restaurant they will be at-maybe we could pick

up their tab?

2. the kids

kimberly krampe had a great idea: to put "activity packs" together for them. heather plans out their activities for the morning and the afternoon...the kids would be so excited to open a new packet of activities-and/or snacks! if something like this is on your heart...please contact kimberly...kkrampe@live.com. she is happy to help with ideas too!

3. monday meals

there are some wonderful friends and family from up north that have been providing frozen meals...these have been so greatly appreciated by matt, heather and family.

i asked heather if there was a day that is harder to get a meal together and she mentioned that mondays are really difficult. soOoo...that's where this next idea came about...getting a fresh meal to them on mondays would be a huge help! if you are able to do this, please contact me, jaren....at greenappledesign@comcast.net . i will place you on the list to the side of this blog so that if you forget the date...you can check the blog!

thank-you so much for your concern and your prayers for the mekkes family!
this last stretch of time has been increasingly more painful for everyone...
your faithful prayers and love mean so much to them!

a quick update on bailey:

matt and heather have decided to put feeding therapy on hold for the time being. this has been a difficult decision...but, a necessary one. bailey does not have a lot of energy to even work towards her oral therapy...another piece of grief that matt and heather experience.

secondly, they met with bailey's pediatric neurologist...this doctor is encouraging matt and heather to use some meds that would act as a sedative for bailey so that she would not be aware of the pain that she is experiencing. as difficult as this decision is...it is one that will allow bailey to have better, less painful days. it will also allow her to sleep-which, she hasn't been able to do. she is up all day...maybe sleeping 30 minutes...and the nights are just as difficult.

lastly, matt and heather want me to express their gratitude for you, your love & your prayers. each day they rely on the portion that God gives them...
they are such amazing people...a m a z i n g .

when words aren't enough...

2009-07-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

i'm on my knees this morning asking you

...our Creator...

to AMAZE us.

because you are amazing and can do amazing things.

let the earth quake Father and AMAZE

us as you move in bailey's life. i am holding

on to hope for my dear friends and their

beautiful bailey...that you will move.

You are the Great Physician...

You deserve our highest praise

and i continue to have faith

and believe that you will AMAZE us.

**please continue to pray for matt and heather...this past week-end was extremely difficult... several of you have asked what you can do for the mekkes family right now...we are working on some ideas-if you would like to take part...please drop me an email and i will be in touch with you.

2009-06-25T03:23:00.000-07:00

i talked with heather last night..my heart just broke again, listening as she shared news about bailey. she is such an amazing mama..so centered on what is best for bailey. i kept waiting to hear her talk about getting some relief..and she did, but not for herself or matt..but, for bailey. and i know matt is in that same mindset. they are in this fight for their child's well-being and are doing every single thing one could imagine to make sure she has the care necessary for each day. the heavens are clapping for these two...

a p p o i n t m e n t s

there are many, many doctor's appointments..and many still to come.
tuesday, bailey was in feeding therapy with heather,
she had 2 seizures in a matter of 25 minutes.
bailey continues to struggle through these sessions.
but, they continue to go and are praying for positive results.

s e i z u r e s
she is having more seizures..and, they are harder to detect-
which must be so frightening. each episode physically wipes her out!
the doctor's have increased her medications in order to be preventative...
please pray that they will be able to prescribe the correct amount-
enough to stop her seizures, but will not cause her more pain.

p a i n
with each feeding, bailey continues to be in a lot of pain.
there are 3 or 4 really hard days of feeding to 1 good day...
this alone brings much sadness and ache,
as matt and heather can do so little to relieve her pain right now.
she is scheduled to see her pediactric neurologist in 2 weeks.

t e c h n o l o g y
matt and heather's internet has been giving them some trouble.
your emails and responses to this blog mean so much to them!
comcast is going to be fixing the problem...so, they will
be up and running again soon!

June 16

2009-06-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

It has been such a long time since our last post and yet it seems like only yesturday. I have struggled to know what to write. This last month has held some of our darkest days, and also some of our brightest. Bailey's pain with feeds progressed to almost every one and was very extensive. We have tried a few different medications to help control the pain level and we feel like we have found something now that may be helping. We are so incredibly grateful that Bailey is more relaxed and comfortable. We still have hard days but have had a few good days lately. We are learning not to take the good days for granted, and continually praise God for them.

Life has been very busy with appointments lately. Bailey has feeding therapy twice a week for the next 12 weeks, and has also started her physical therapy, and occupational therapy with the Early On program. As of now, they have showed us different excercises to do with Bailey at home to help her progress, and to reach her potential. Please pray that Matt and I would have chunks of time during the day to do these different excercises with her.

We wanted to share some of our "bright" moments as well. Lexi is cooing a lot and always has a smile on her face - her middle name, JOY is so perfect for her. Bailey has also cooed a few times and I have seen her smile once, which has been such a gift. I continue to hold on to HOPE that we will have many more smiles and a lot more cooing.

In closing, I just wanted to share one statement with you that has been such a source of truth and comfort in the past few weeks. Jesus Christ is not my security against the storms of life, but He is my perfect security in the storms. He has never promised me an easy passage, only a safe landing.

Prime Time

2009-05-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

Bailey has been increasingly uncomfortable each night from about eight o'clock until sometime in the night :) On a good night this sometime is around 11:00. On a bad night it is not :o By increasingly uncomfortable I mean screaming and crying for hours at a time and having traces of blood in her stomach. We are working with several different care providers on discovering what contributes to her discomfort. Possible culprits include medications she is on, milk allergies, something related to the placement of the feeding tube, and/or general colic. Because of a sugical procedure reflux is not a likely canidate for the problem. Bailey, like most two-month-olds, has not been cooperative in verbalizing what exactly the problem is ;)

Yes we have tried car rides (which sometimes helps), putting her in the car seat near or on the dryer, in the swing with various "white noise" and countless other things. Please remember us during the "prime time hours."

Early On

2009-05-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

Bailey had her first visit with "Early On" Wednesday of this week. Early on is the early intervention program run through the intermediate school district for children from birth to age three who have disabilities or developmental delays. As a part of the assessment process specific goals related to development are established and then services are put in place to assist with helping Bailey to move towards these goals. The individualized plan is reviewed and modified periodically as her needs change. In the next month Bailey will have an in home evaluation from both a physical therapist and an occupational therapist to set more specific goals.

Vision

2009-05-01T06:09:00.001-07:00

Bailey and Alexis both had their two month check ups and continue to grow. Bailey is now over 9 pounds. One of the significant concerns that the pediatrician has for Bailey is her vision. Because it appears abnormal she will be seeing a specialist in the next couple of months to perform a more comprehensive evaluation.

Feeding

2009-05-01T05:49:00.000-07:00

Bailey had her swallow study and she does continue to aspirate. In a normal swallow as food reaches the back of the throat the airway is closed off to prevent liquids or food from entering the airway. When Bailey attempts to feed she does not adequately close off her airway to protect against ingested food. She is also a silent aspirator. We have all experienced things going "down the wrong pipe" and know that a coughing fit follows. As a silent aspirator Bailey does not have this protective cough response. Instead if she were fed orally at this time she would be at high risk for respiratory complications secondary to this aspiration such as pneumonia. One of the things that can be done to prevent this is thickening liquids so that they are less likely to "go down the wrong tube." Other strategies including how she is positioned during feeding can also help. She has been referred to feeding therapy and will start in the next couple of weeks. For now she will continue to need to be fed through the G-tube.

Monday, April 6

2009-04-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

Last week Tuesday Bailey had another EEG to check for seizure activity. On Friday we met with the Neurologists to discuss the results of the test and further treatment. The EEG did not show any seizure activity during the test so the Neurologist decided to slowly take Bailey off one of her anti-seizure medications. Bailey will always be at an increased risk for seizures and will most likely remain on anti-seizure medications permanently.
This week Bailey has a swallow test. This will tell us if food is going into the stomach or the lungs. Please pray that Bailey is able to swallow correctly and that we could begin feeding therapy to possibly feed her orally.
We can't begin to express our thanks to everyone for the many ways they have surrounded us during this difficult time. We are so grateful to know that we are not alone, God continues to show us love through people like you. Thank you.

2009-03-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

{heather has lexy & matt is holding bailey}

this family is amazing.

if you have spent any time with them,

you know exactly what i mean.

they are real and the pain is indescribably deep.

and yet there are moments of joy that run alongside their grief

as they experience these two precious babies as a

miraculous addition to their family.

the road is a long one ahead of them.

they continue to feel your love and support and are so appreciative.

they have adjusted well to being home.

and with 4 under the age of 4...this is quite an adjustment!

bailey is still not regulating her body temperature yet...

it is something matt and heather are always checking.

her feedings seem to be going well.

she is gaining some weight-slow, but sure.

it's amazing to see these sweet girls side by side...

cuddling next to one another with one big *sigh* once

they finally get settled in.

they love each other.

they need each other...

even at this young, infant stage of life.

they need each other.

**bailey has another eeg on tuesday morning.

please keep this appointment in your prayers.

we are praying for a miracle...that the doctors will

see some improvements as they compare

this new eeg with prior ones.

2009-03-24T05:55:00.000-07:00

{lexy has her eyes open and bailey is sleeping}

{bailey is on the left & lexy is on the right in these 2 bottom photos}

A Little Elbow Room!

2009-03-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

I'm home with my sister at last!

2009-03-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

Bailey came home on Wednesday afternoon and the past few days have gone well. She has been able to maintain an adequate body temperature. Alexis and Bailey had check ups with our pediatrician today and both are gaining weight. Alexis 6lbs at birth is currently weighing 7lbs 3oz and Bailey has gone from 5lbs to 6lbs. The medications Bailey is on have effectively been controlling the seizure activity. She will see three additional doctors (surgeon for a post op follow up, pediatric neurologist, and developmental pediatrician) and will be evaluated to begin services with Early On over the next three weeks. Thank you all for your continued kindness and prayers!

Bailey is home with her family!

2009-03-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

Bailey arrived home on Wednesday!
We will have more details to come...

meetings...

2009-03-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

today is going to be filled with meetings for matt, heather & bailey.

many specialists will be in and out...showing

matt and heather the best way to care for bailey once she is home.

yesterday, they worked with bailey's feeding tube.

they were able to do 2 feedings-both went well.

the doctor wants them to add a supplement to

the breast milk so that bailey would be able to gain weight.

matt and heather are both ready to bring her home...

to unite her with her twin, alexis, and siblings mckenzie & carter!

however, the doctors would like to see bailey regulate her

own body temperature first. she is unable to do so right now.

please pray that this next step would happen so that

she would be able to be home with her family!

Monday, March 9

2009-03-09T09:17:00.001-07:00

We continue to be so grateful for the prayers, kindness and generosity of so many. Bailey is recovering well from both the surgery to place the feeding tube and the procedure performed to prevent reflux. The feeding (PEG) tube is in place and she is back to receiving full feedings and medications through the PEG tube. The central IV line was removed last night. Another EEG will be done on Tuesday as the neurologists determine if she will be coming home on one or two anti-seizure medications. We hope to be able to bring Bailey home to be with the rest of the family by Wednesday of this week. I am also extremely grateful for the generosity of my employer and several co-workers that will allow me to be at home over the next two weeks as we make this transition.

bailey's surgery

2009-03-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

thank you so much for all of your prayers!

bailey's surgery was successful and she is starting

the recovery process.

the doctors and nurses are trying

to make her feel as comfortable as possible.

please pray that they would administer the

correct pain medication so that bailey would

not be in any pain as her body starts to heal from this surgery.

matt and heather will have a more detailed

update later this afternoon.

bailey's surgery is on thursday

2009-03-04T11:22:00.000-08:00

{surgery}
bailey is scheduled to have surgery tomorrow morning.
they will be placing the feeding tube in her stomach.

she will be on a ventilator and will be sedated all day.
please pray that this surgery will go well

and that bailey would recover quickly.
matt and heather covet our prayers as they walk through this day.

{health}

please also pray for the health of matt, heather

and the rest of their family.

when they are sick, they are unable to see bailey...

matt and carter have both been sick

and have had to stay home the last couple days.

prayers for their health are appreciated -

especially during bailey's surgery & recovery time.

{hope}
it is matt and heather's hope

that they will be able to bring bailey home next week!

thank you for your earnestness

on behalf of the mekkes family.

they feel your support

through your prayers, love & concern for them!

hello world!

2009-03-03T13:12:00.000-08:00

time to eat?

2009-03-03T13:05:00.000-08:00

this is how i am fed right now.

so far, i have been digesting my food really well!

it takes about 10 minutes for this to go straight to my tummy!

hands

2009-03-03T13:00:00.000-08:00

bailey holding mommy's hand

bailey-holding daddy's hand

mckenzie turns 4 on monday!

2009-03-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

{mckenzie is turning 4 this monday!

if you would like to send a card

and need her address...

please email me and i will get that to you right away!}

a quick update...

matt is heading back to work this week.

please keep both heather and matt in your prayers

with this upcoming transition.

also, matt and heather are so grateful

for your cards, hospital visits, meals

and phone calls...

they may not be able to return

many calls right now-but, please know

that each call, each word spoken from your

heart means so much to them.

bailey

2009-02-27T20:25:00.000-08:00

please continue to pray for bailey that she will learn how to suck...the surgery to place a permanent feeding tube is coming up this week and our prayer is that she would be able to learn and perform this task before the surgery would need to take place!

thank you for your faithfulness in praying for bailey and the rest of the mekkes/mccloud family.

we will have some photos of bailey up soon - so that you can see this little sugar!

hospital pictures of Alexis

2009-02-25T23:39:00.001-08:00

Joy and Pain

2009-02-25T23:07:00.000-08:00

Thank you friends for the love and support that you have given. Heather and I wanted to update you all on how the girls are doing and to ask for your prayers:

Friday: Heather was in our doctors office on Friday (February 20^th) for a routine non stress test the week before our babies were to be delivered. One of the babies started to show signs of distress with a heart rate that would periodically drop. The doctor performed an ultrasound that showed she had very little amniotic fluid and in addition had her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck three times. Although these did not require an emergency cesarean delivery it was time for us to meet our girls face to face. After months of waiting and anticipation our beautiful baby girls arrived. Alexis was born first and weighted 6 lbs. Bailey was born two minutes later and weighed 5 lbs. Bailey needed a little encouragement to begin breathing on her own but this is not uncommon and she was doing well. Both the girls got the usual care complete with their first baths, foot printing (they actually fit on the cards this time), bracelets and cuddle time on one well deserving mom. After a few hours of holding the girls, giving kisses and taking pictures we checked the girls into the nursery for a few hours of sleep.

Saturday: At four in the morning Heather and I were woken by the neo-natal doctor (Neonatologist) who told us that the nurse had observed some unusual things with Bailey and that she had been moved to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) because she was suffering seizures. The medications that she was given over the next several hours to control the seizures sedated her to the point that she was no longer able to breathe on her own and she was intubated. Over the next few hours she was transferred from Saint Mary’s Hospital to Spectrum Health NICU where they would be able to perform an MRI with the breathing tube in place.

Sunday: During the first day that we were in the NICU at Devos Bailey had a CT scan and an EEG which both seemed to suggest that things were going well. The EEG suggested that the medication was controlling the seizures, and the MRI suggested that if there was brain damage that it was most likely mild.

Monday: Both the girls seemed to be doing well. Heather and Alexis were discharged from Saint Mary’ Hospital. Bailey was adjusting to the medication and was able to breathe on her own so the tube was removed and Heather was able to finally come in see her for the first time since Saturday. Late on Monday night Bailey was finally taken for an MRI which would probably give us a clearer picture of the extent of the injury she had sustained.

Tuesday: A series of doctors including the pediatric neurologists reported the MRI showed that the extent of the brain damage was much more extensive than was originally thought. The neurologist believes that within the week preceding the delivery Bailey suffered a massive brain injury. This injury was primarily the result of the twin to twin transfusion syndrome that had been going which was complicated by the umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck. Bailey shows extensive damage to every part of her brain with the exception of the brain stem. As a result Bailey will most likely never walk or talk and developmentally will stay in an infantile or pre-infantile state.

While the immediate urge we feel is to pray for a miraculous healing of Bailey, and we certainly do, perhaps the miracle has already taken place. Heather and I are able to hold this beautiful baby girl who has survived so much as well as her sister. Our God is good. Not in a cliché way but in a way that allows you to breathe that next breath. Through the pain we cling to his promise not to make level paths before us, but rather to make our feet capable of standing upon the heights.

Heather and i have thought often of our wonderful friends who said that hard things can make you bitter or better, and we choose better. We have seen these same friends not only pledge to be better, but also live out this pledge. This is our desire. Today through the pain and grief that comes with the loss of the dreams of an expected future we choose better. Tomorrow we will try to choose the same. We reserve the right to choose moments, hours or even days of bitter but our God is good.

As you pray for us, please remember a few specific things. First, that Bailey would learn to suck so that she may be able to take food by mouth instead of need a feeding tube permanently. Second, that she would develop the ability to regulate her body temperature as this can be a common complication of this extensive of an injury. Third, please pray that we would have the strength and ability to live in the present instead of fearing the future. Fourth, please pray for McKenzie and Carter, that they feel loved...as much of our time in the next month will necessarily be spent caring for Bailey and Alexis.